The Driving Rant Post

I make no apologies about admitting to the fact that I don't like driving. I grew up in Mumbai with it's excellent public transport system. If I'm traveling somewhere I would much rather be doing something much more interesting with my time like talking to friends, reading a book, observing the city or just plain day-dreaming. Driving is a drudge. You have to keep your eyes on the road, and hands upon the wheel. (Apologies to Jim Morrison.) Still, seeing as how public transport in Madison is so crappy, and how I have to occasionally drive to places that you can't reach using a bus or a taxi without paying out of your nose, I drive.

My car is the most expensive thing I own. Obviously it makes me want to protect it. Keep that resale value high and all that. And there is also the little thing of me happening to enjoy the fact that I am alive and not dead. So obviously all the other idiots on the road piss me off. And this winter, with its constant shit... sorry ice-storms and record snowfall, things which would normally just irritate me a little, have turned into things that make me vewy vewy angry. Here's a list of the idiots who irritate me and their internal monologues:

1. Mr. I am going to drive below the speed limit in the passing lane
I'm driving. And this is the lane I have decided to use. The passing lane. It's a free country and I have paid taxes all my life and I have now decided to drive in the passing lane. Yes, I know I'm going slower than the speed limit but I'm an American and I can do what I want. You can use the slow lane and pass me from the right but then I will glare at you and cough violently. And keep driving slowly in this lane. My lane.

2. Mr. I am going to drive about 6 inches behind your car
Right. So I'm in a hurry. A real serious hurry. And so I have decided to drive as close to your car as I possibly can. Because no matter what speed you are driving at being close to your car makes me reach where I want to go earlier. Like a whole 20 milliseconds earlier. And time is money. Of course, I know it's snowing and the roads are icy and slick, and if you have to brake suddenly then I will rear-end you. But those are the risks we have to take for my 20 milliseconds.

3. Mr. I have suddenly decided to take a left turn
Hey look! It's a traffic light. Here I am in the left lane. Waiting at the light. Obviously, as you can see I intend to go straight, because if I didn't I would have turned on the left turn indicator so you could have moved to the right lane. But I'm going to go straight. I have decided to go straight. Look, the light turned green! Oh my God!!! A left turn. Look, I can turn left instead of going straight!!! Holy crap! This so exciting! I'm going to turn left now. Watch me turn on the left turn indicator. And crawl up and wait for the oncoming cars to finish going straight. Then I can make my glorious left turn! What's that you say? You are stuck behind me because you thought I was going to go straight? Aw, don't be a wuss. I'm making a left turn. Be excited for me. (And sometimes in my excitement I even forget to turn on the indicator. Who cares. I'm turning left.)

4. Mr. I am going to slowly turn right without moving to the right lane
I have to turn right here. Clearly, if I move to the edge of the right lane you'll be able to keep going straight from the left and we can't have that. It's my job to inconvenience you as much as possible. Making you miss the light will be a bonus. So from where I am in this lane, I am going to slow down, and very very slowly turn right. Look, I almost crawling. Do you think I can possibly go any slower? Let's try! Oh why are you waving your fist at me? I'm just doing my job.

5. Mr. I am going to build up the suspense about whether or not I'm going to turn right
There you are waiting at the intersection trying to get out. I'm close enough to the intersection that you have to wait for me to make a sign before you can make a move. But I'm driving slow enough to torture you. And yes I'm driving in an ambiguous lane so you can't tell if I'm going to turn right into the intersection or not. Look I'm turning right. You could have gone anytime! Fooled you! Haha!!

Hindi People from Goodness Gracious Me (A parody of Common People by Pulp)



Lyrics:

She came from Kent, her name was Lucy Parker
Her skin was white but she preferred it darker
That's why I, caught her eye
We met at York, she was a first year student
She wore a sari 'cause she thought it prudent, I thought fine
and then in 30 seconds time she said

I want to live like Hindi people
I want to do what ever Hindi people do
I want to sleep with Hindi people
I want to sleep with Hindi people like you
Well what else could I do, I smiled and said 'Do you want a vindaloo?'

I said I'd find a groovy gig and take her
I like The Verve but she said Kula Shaker their music's tops
Just like Cornershop's

She said I wanna live like Hindi people
I wanna eat whatever Hindi people eat
I want to dress like the bindi people
I want to wear mehndi on my feet
but she didn't understand
You just paint it on your haaand!

Comb your hair and be polite
Do your homework every night
Don't smoke fags and don't play pool
Do extremely well at school
Take a medical degree, graduate at thirty-three
Move back in with mom and dad, even though they drive you raving mad...you sure

You wanna live like Hindi people
You wanna see whatever Hindi people see
You wanna live with Hindi people
You wanna watch your films on Zee TV

But you'll never comprehend 'cause for you it's just a trend
Dressing up like the Hindi people
In your favourite georgette salwaar
Dancing round with the Hindi people
Telling me that you want to learn sitar
but you'll never score with me 'cause I was born in Coventry
Coventry oh yeah!

Sad sad sad.

Taking a cue from KitKat's post about privileges, here is my list (Bolded items apply to me):

1. Father went to college
2. Father finished college
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home
9. Were read children’s books by a parent
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
16. Went to a private high school
17. Went to summer camp
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18. (For stupid Hindi!)
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
25. You had your own room as a child
26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
31. Went on a cruise with your family
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

More interestingly, here my mom's list (I'm only guessing and remembering here but I think I should be pretty accurate.)

1. Father went to college
2. Father finished college
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home. (Maybe ??)
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home
9. Were read children’s books by a parent. (Maybe ??)
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
16. Went to a private high school
17. Went to summer camp
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child.
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
25. You had your own room as a child
26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
31. Went on a cruise with your family
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

And here is my dad's list (Again guesswork) :

1. Father went to college
2. Father finished college
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home
9. Were read children’s books by a parent. (Maybe ??)
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18. (Maybe ??)
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
16. Went to a private high school
17. Went to summer camp
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
25. You had your own room as a child
26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
31. Went on a cruise with your family
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

Of course, I would argue whether certain items in the list would count as privileges. Like "Were read children's books by a parent." Is this question about whether your parents could read or not? And I would argue whether certain items are really indicators of privileges in India, like "Went to a private high school", as far as I know, all high schools in India (we call them junior colleges) are private and relatively cheap. The media portrayal question is moot, I don't think anyone is portrayed negatively except criminals and the corrupt.

It was a weekend of snowstorms, ice and musicals.

It began as a quiet Friday evening that consisted solely of staying home, watching maybe the first 4 minutes of the movie Ghost Rider with Ms. Non Sequitur and then turning in early in anticipation of the coming snowstorm from hell.

Saturday began with a quick ride to KitKat's house in the wilderness to pick her up. I left my house at 9:15am with no sight of snow and returned by 9:45am to white streets! The storm had begun.

The snow continued all the way to 6pm, turning into little particles of ice at around 4pm. Driving was going to be impossible but we had to get to State Street to watch Rent at the Overture Center. After a lot of debate (Hob: "No way we're driving! I don't wanna die!", Ms. Non Sequitur: "Hob, you are such a wuss!", KitKat: "Hob you are the biggest wuss I have seen.", J: "There is no way I am walking!"), we all decided to call a cab.

The cab was late, but the driver was a someone who wasn't even the least bit fazed by the condition of the streets. I rode shotgun and man was it a scary ride. The cab skid, skid again and skid some more. But luckily we reached Paul's Club with no incidents. A quick Miller Lite for everyone (Cousin Q, JR, The Bowman and Akon joined us at Paul's,) and off we went to the show.

Rent was ok. The music was catchy most of the time but the lyrics seemed forced to fit the music. (Vice versa sometimes.) But then again that's a feature of all musicals. Overall, I felt that it lacked something. Specifically, a small carnivorous dinosaur, like a velociraptor or deinonychus, that would eat cast members sometimes. Now that show I would pay top dollar to see.

(If that last paragraph seems bizarre, I would like to add that I actually thought of the dinosaurs during the show. Also a hip-hop musical with rapping instead of songs would be wicked!)

Music Video


Scary Movie


Cool Book
Red Queen

Sour Death Balls
This was one of my favorite short films shown on MTV India in the early 'nineties.

What American accent do you have? (Best version so far) Northeastern Most people don't know it but this is actually what dictionaries are based on. If you don't believe me, pick up any American dictionary and look up "source" and "sauce" and you'll see they are written with the same vowel pronunciation.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

This morning I had another nightmare. I don't have nightmares too often and when I do it's usually a nice brand new one. But there are some nightmares that seem to come back and say hi. A bit too often.

Failing Math

Specifically, failing math in Final Year Engineering (that's Senior Year to my Indian-culture challenged readers.) This is the nightmare that woke me up this morning. It usually begins with a realization that I have goofed around all semester and the exam is in a few days. I clearly don't have enough time to learn everything. Most of my fellow students seem to know their shit. My mind starts to think of how I haven't failed anything in college so far and how this will ruin my career. Good bye USA. Good bye cushy software job in Bangalore. Then I curse myself for procrastinating all semester and being overconfident. The exam is tomorrow. The exam is now. I don't know anything. Wake up, Hob, wake up!

I wake up and reassure myself that I already passed undergrad, with no KTs and we didn't have math in final year!

Raptors and T-Rex

For some reason this dream usually begins in a parking lot. I'm getting into my car. Or perhaps getting out. It's a bright beautiful sunny day. And hey look! It's a bloody T-Rex eyeing me. Run, Hob, Run! I start running and T-Rex follows me. Somehow I get into an enclosed space. Safe! And that's when the velociraptors show up. No jokes. I dream of velociraptors. Those fast, hungry, mean, clever little dinosaurs with sharp sharp teeth. Wake up, Hob, wake up!

I wake up and reassure myself that dinosaurs and humans never existed at the same time. Bible science be damned!

Panthera

This is the worst of the lot and happens the most often. I'm walking from Churchgate station to my house at Lion Gate, right by Oval and Cross Maidan. Across the street I see a tiger. I real, live tiger, walking. What! What's that doing here! Ok, don't panic, keep walking slowly and try and reach home. Except a hundred meters away, right in front of you, basking under a tree is a lion! Not good. Perhaps I can cut between these guys. That's when I start noticing other large cats, strolling across the streets. My final memories are about being stalked by a panther, that's following me up the stairs of my building. Wake up, Hob, wake up!

I wake up and, well, can't really reassure myself that this can't happen. Because it can!